• Life as a Lawrence,  My Family,  The Kids,  Writer

    Two Years!

    The last time I wrote about my life — REALLY chatted about what was going on with me personally — I had just gotten engaged and was getting married in a few short weeks. Well, that was two years ago. Slacker? Yes, I am. Life has been pretty fantastic. And there’s this thing that happens when you’re really enjoying life and snuggling on the sofa at night and wanting to spend every waking moment with someone. You want to live it. Not write about it. So here I am, two years later, finally writing about it. Not that I’m not still snuggling on the sofa at night and spending every…

  • Fun Memories,  Writer

    The Sounds of Summer

    Right now, Africa by Toto is playing in my ear. Before that, it was Aja by Steely Dan. I’m sure in a little while it will be Kiss on my List by Hall & Oates. I call this station the “Official Station of the Pine Needles Country Club, 1985” #YachtRockRadio A post shared by Jana Lawrence (@ohjanabelle) on Jul 29, 2018 at 4:25pm PDT Yacht Rock Radio is my jam of choice these days, and I’ve decided that it’s because of the feelings that bubble up inside me when I listen to the music. The slow melodies take me to the chair of the orthodontist’s office, and even the first…

  • Life as a Lawrence,  The Kids,  Writer

    When Your Heart’s Content

    Left. Left. Left. Ugh. Left Good God this is horrible. Left. Why am I doing this? Left. I can’t believe I got talked into downloading this stupid app. Left. I’m going to turn this stupid thing off. Left. Oh hey, he’s cute. He likes fun and food and beer and whiskey? Pause. Lef…. Right. Shit. Shitshitshit. I should just delete this app. I’ll definitely do that tomorrow. This sucks. Whatever. Being single is fine. I don’t need anybody. ……… Apparently, he thought I was cute and since I declared my love for bourbon in my profile, too, he swiped right. We talked for hours, learned we were both from Middle Georgia,…

  • School Days,  The Kids,  Writer

    Reassuring The Mom

    I’ve never been a dreamer. I’ve never been one to look far into the future and imagine things like my own wedding, having babies, retirement. Once I had a wedding and had babies, looking to the future didn’t get any better. In fact, it got worse. I’ve written before that while I was pregnant with Charlie, I dreamed of caskets. I never dreamed of first birthdays or graduations. Only very unhappy endings. A side effect of losing a child is that you have a somewhat irrational fear of your living children being taken from you for any number of random reasons. Like dying from the same thing their brother died…

  • Charlie,  Group B Strep,  Sad Stuff,  Writer

    Thirteen. 13. A Teen.

    Thirteen. It feels as awkward rolling off my tongue as it actually is to be thirteen. It’s hard to fathom, really, the possibility of Charlie being here and being thirteen. Waking up with scruffy hair on his head and a hint of facial hair. He would surely talk back to me with a cracking voice and when he might smile, the little boy in him would likely peek through every so often. He would have an attitude like he’s either king of the world or the most sullen teen who ever lived. Lived. If only he’d lived. Damn, there are so many things I would have — WE would have — done. All…

  • Life as an Anthoine,  Sad Stuff,  Writer

    One Last Anniversary

    Seventeen years ago, on September 26, 1998, standing on a St. Augustine lawn at The King and Prince Resort, two people agreed to love, honor, and cherish each other til death do them part. It was out of a fairy tale, if you had a fairy tale with leftover tropical storm winds, fresh and soggy sod down the aisle, and humidity that made the cake (that was inside) start melting and toppling over. The night was beautiful. Planned around football schedules, everyone who was able to attend did. We even had a few wedding crashers! My dad’s band played as long as the hotel would let them and the next…

  • Life as an Anthoine,  Sad Stuff,  Writer

    Apart. Part 2.

    A few months ago, I wrote about Jason and I deciding to separate. It wasn’t an easy decision or one that was come to quickly. Much thought was put into it and much care was taken to do it the best way possible for both of us and especially for Henry. It has worked very nicely. The boys took a vacation. Henry and I spent lots of time together. We all three did a few things together. Pretty sure we even laughed, cried, and got a little pissed off at some point. But after a summer living apart, we’ve decided we like “us” this way. Apart. So apart we will stay. (yes,…

  • Charlie,  Group B Strep,  Writer

    Twelve. 12. XII.

    It’s been a dozen years since you stubbornly and dramatically took your first breath. Counting that many years without you is more than I can fathom, really. If someone asked me right now, I would say that it felt like just yesterday they placed you in my arms, all pink and mad. But if another person came up right behind them, I may say I could barely remember the smell of your skin or how your lip curled just a little at the corner. While there’s not a day that goes by when I don’t think about you, there are long stretches of hours when the hole in my heart feels plugged up and…

  • Life as an Anthoine,  Sad Stuff,  Writer

    Apart.

    Apart. It’s an adverb, used with verbs like drift, grow, or live. It describes how our hearts have grown over the years. Apart. Our love has drifted and now we have chosen to live that way. Apart. It wasn’t a split second decision. And the details aren’t important. Apart, for now, is how we will be. Will it be permanent? We don’t know. But for now it’s where we find ourselves. We’ve grown to this place and hope that in the apartness, we can both drift towards our individual happiness or newfound togetherness.

  • Serious Issues,  Writer

    On Super Bowl Ads and Children Dying

    By 7 this morning (morning after Super Bowl 49), I have already had 6 inquiries into what I thought about the Nationwide “Make Safe Happen” ad. The ad features a beautiful young boy who can’t grow up to get cooties, learn to ride a bike, or learn to fly because he died. He couldn’t grow up because he died from an accident. As much of a football fan as I am, oddly I didn’t see the game. My cable went out 5 minutes into the game and I was stuck watching BrandBowl on Twitter. I saw the initial shock, the subsequent disgust and anger, and then watched it turn into a “my snarky…